I don't know how often I'll post on this thing. I don't know how active I'll be. Typically, when I impulsively do things like this — they crash and burn, but I got a little curious. I received a comment on an old LJ account from someone asking to join a revival community for LJ. I haven't been back on this site in almost 20 years. I think I last logged on in 2008. I don't even remember writing on here, but I do remember the content that I read about. It was nice seeing the pictures that I shared — many of the people that were featured, I've long forgotten about and the situations surrounding them.

I'm so much older than the person I was when I was last on this account. In 2008, I was 15/16, now I'm 34 years old. When I was 16, I don't think I had any real idea of what my life would be like in my 30s — I don't think I was even thinking further than 25.

At 34 years old, I have bachelor's and master's degree, student debt that has almost reached 200k, but will thankfully be forgiven in November of this year. I'm a home owner and a cat mom. I'm someone who has traveled to France twice in their life, studied abroad in both France and Burkina Faso, and has spent a bit of time in Montreal. I'm bilingual, French speaker. I'm a supervisor and make a good income. I have a very comfortable life.

But I'm also dreadfully depressed. Not kill yourself depressed. Not the type of depression that keeps you from getting up in the morning or taking care of yourself. But the kind that makes you want to isolate and hole up away from everyone. Chronic low grade depression, called dysthymia. I don't take medication. But I'm never truly happy. I have one true friend besides family. For the most part, I live a quiet life, spent mostly alone. No close relationships except my best friend Keni. I'm close with my grandmother, who I love unconditionally. I'm close with my mom, who I have a bitter relationship with.

Besides those three, I have no one else.

I used to think — if I move to a different state or city, or change jobs — things in my life would change. And yes, they do — physically but not emotionally. I'm the same person no matter the environment. And I always end up as I'am now.

I think this blog would be helpful. I think it would be nice to write about my life. In a location where no one could possibly find. I have a physical journal (but I mostly write in French), no one would be able to read it unless they speak the language it's written in. I like the idea of sharing photos and videos on here, like I did when I was young. I like the idea of sharing my adventures with trying to live an analog life. I like the idea of talking freely about my struggles with learning and speaking French. I have a lot of ideas, I'm just not the best at implementing them.

I guess my goal for this blog would be to post regularly, honestly, and freely about my life. Talk about the topics I'm afraid to mention to my best friend, that I'm afraid to think about when I'm alone. I want this blog to be my refugee and home. I want this blog to be a safe landing for me.

I don't know what all I can do with LJ, but I'm excited to tap into the different features and see what's available.

Olivia