After work, as soon as I arrived home, I laid down on the couch and just hibernated. I wrapped myself up in my blanket and read fanfic after fanfic. It’s been such a relief to be able to read a full story without becoming distracted or mindlessly exiting out of the story screen with no explanation at all for why I do what I do….
After I did that for several hours - I noticed that it was time to start getting ready for bed. I like to be in bed by at least 8:30 PM so that I can read my french books - but I didn’t get up at 7 or 8. Everytime I tried to get up, my body felt so heavy - like I weighed 1000 pounds. I felt truly mentally and physically exhausted. I finally pulled myself up alittle after 9 PM - I noticed my emotions took a turn after I stopped reading.
I started finding little things to become upset about at work until I noticed that I was upset about everything. My team, my position, my work task, and my leadership. And none of the things that I was upset about were things that wouldn’t have bothered me any other day - but I noticed that I had this burning sensation behind my eyes that made me think I could start crying at any moment.
If I’m being honest with myself I started feeling angry during the canvass. My team did double canvasses yesterday afternoon. We canvassed the neighborhood after the murder of a mother and her young child. And then canvassed after the murder of a young man. Usually the canvasses are only 30 minutes - max but this time we had a community member share that she was the one to find the young man’s body. We stayed and talked to her for at least 10-15 minutes.
I couldn’t go home after that. I wanted to go to the bookstore - but if you’ve visited my “books” page - you’ll see why that would’ve been financially irresponsible…. so I decided to go to ULTA and I bought some face moisturizer/sunscreen as I’ve run out of my current bottle and hair cream (also ran out of…)
And I did cry a little. When I finally went to bed - I slept hard and deep. I didn’t wake up once in the middle of the night. In the morning, the feelings of anger came back. I cried while getting ready. I cried while brushing my teeth and doing my hair and putting on clothes. I know deep down I’m sad - but I just feel so angry. I called my grandma on the way to work. I was angry. It was horrible. I didn’t take it out on her at least.
But I’m still so angry. I wish I could stay home. But what does that really help. Nothing. No one. All I would do is lay on the couch reading or work on my site. I took off next tuesday, and I’m afraid that’s what I’ll end up doing. Grandma gave me the idea of painting the kitchen and I really like that idea a lot. I’ll paint the kitchen. Sounds lovely. I’ve had allnthe supplies for a super long time.
I want to scream and cry and then bundle up in some blankets. I have so many ideas about ways to help me get back to how I was - but everytime I think of these plans - I get so overwhelmed. And then I feel like the laziest person in the world.
I have something that I need to complete today. My teams monthly report. It’s due by the end of the day. I haven’t started it. It’s so hard to focus, but strangely enough I don’t have any problems writing in you. telling you how I feel. Everything feels like shit. I feel like shit. Life is shit. People are shit. It’s overwhelming how shitty everything is all the time. I want to cry. If crying could help me, I would cry all day. But it doesn’t. It just gives you a killer headache and puffy red eyes. And I don’t want anyone to see me like that. I don’t want to be like this at all.
I just want to get all of this out before I start working. I’m about to start my pomodoro timer to start focusing. I’m used to doing 30/10 minutes. But I found one that’s 15/5 - which I think is nice. I’ll need to build up my focus. If the 15 minute one is too much - I’ll try to find a 10 minute timer. I’ll look for something. I’ll let you know how it all works out.
==🔴**UPDATE!**==
I decided to go with the 10/5 pomdoro timer instead of the 15/5. It’s working out really well. I already completed like 1.75 monthly reports in just 10 minutes. Very happy. I also turned on my favorite song and I was just able to zone out and lock in. This is so fucking reassuring but honestly it tracks. If I’m given one tasks that involves carefully considering details - I tend to lock in. My break is ending in 2 minutes. I’ll let you know how the second session goes.
Session 2, 3 and 4 - went just as well. I was able to finish my monthly report easily. I’m very happy. That was the most important thing for me to do today - besides attending the Vigil tonight. Tomorrow morning I would like to set some intentions for the weekend. Just a few things that I would like to do over the weekend like
- * taking morning walks
- * washing the dishes
- * cleaning the carpet
- * and wiping down the walls in the kitchen
But I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Maybe it’ll be taking walks, washing the dishes and wiping down the walls. I don’t know…we’ll see.
Olivia