My mom texted me last night — "He had cancer."

She called me last night to explain that she found out from her friend, Byrd, who found out from an old friend that used to hook up with my dad before he got with my mom. Apparently they linked up two years ago and he confessed that he was sick, cancer.

I feel so slimy. Dirty.

Is this what he intended? Did he want me fumbling around for pieces of a long forgotten puzzle? Searching for clues of the last two years and feeling a mixture of anger, sadness, and disgust once I receive any information.

I missed a call from Grandma yesterday. She texted me too — asking if I was okay. I didn't answer. My brother called me — asked me how I was doing, told me about his weekend plans. Him and his girlfriend are going away for the weekend, renting a cabin, and planning on going canoeing and zip lining. I'm jealous. But then I think about the fact that he literally cheated on her, for the second time again, and this is his way of making amends....and then I just feel nothing.

I typically spend my evenings after work only couch reading. I love fan fiction and I love reading HR fan fiction. Yesterday, I had at least five WIP chapter updates to get through. I got through maybe 2. It was so hard to focus. Sometimes I would have to stop reading just to cry. Hours few by — suddenly it was 10 PM. I don't know where the time went. I wasn't reading. Or maybe I was reading, and then crying, and then staring off into space. I don't know. Everything is so blurry.

I talked to Grandma, I think around 7 or 8 PM. I didn't have much to say — and she just stayed on the phone with me — not saying much.

My grandma said that she thinks that my mom is a lot more affected by his death than she's letting on.... I guess. Grandma told me that she's been having send my money to cover bills since my father stopped paying child support....for at least a couple of months. I felt so guilty when I heard that. I had literally been lecturing my grandma earlier that evening, before I got the news, about having a solid budget and cutting up her credit cards so that she could pay off the $17k she owes and retire.

For a second I thought about taking on this responsibility — I could put my mom on an allowance. My father was giving her $160 a month. I could give her at least $100 a month — to cover expenses or whatnot. But I held back. Told myself to calm down — think things through. This would set up a dangerous precedent of taking care of her before I actually need to take care of her.

Grandma was so upset that they didn't contact us. And I guess I am too. I'm upset about the fact that they intended to hurt me. Despite our differences, I always thought that they cared about me — my dad and nana. It's been such a wake up call realising that I had been carrying part of a childish hope — despite all of the evidence pointing that this is factually untrue.

I turned on the L word. I had been contemplating watching it with my friend, who's in Arizona for wedding, for a while since I haven't watched since I was a teen. I was excited to see how my perspective has changed.... I don't really want to talk about it hear, but I do want to say that I watched like the first episode and it really helped. I got a break from crying and staring at the wall. I laughed and was enchanted. I think I'll watch another episode tonight. Just one. I didn't go to sleep until Midnight, which isn't like me. If you know me — you know I'm someone that values their sleep. I typically go to bed at 9PM or 10PM.

My mom called me in the morning, slightly after 6 AM. She told me that she received a notification that child support had been paid and that she would receive a payment for $60.00 — which is odd. She usually receives $80.00. I can't help but think that this entire thing is fishy.

I wonder if that number that I called was Nana's number and she got worried when she saw it was me...instead of calling me back and telling me what happened, she decided to pay the child support so that we wouldn't dig deep into the situation. This is the idea that I have floating around in my head. Who else would pay it? And it's the end of the month — several payments have been missed.

I had to remind my mom about looking for the picture. She didn't remember our conversation — I don't know if it's grief, shock, or alcohol that did it. I was annoyed and snapped again.

I wanted to get this off my chest, because I'm going to work and I don't want to cry or hold things in. Luckily, if I cry — I can just close the door and cry quietly there.

Olivia